piercethecharts | dix-huit. [ RL with Kamina ]

dix-huit. [ RL with Kamina ]

[ She was losing control. She could feel herself losing it, that was the worst part, to know what was happening. That tight control she always had over herself-- not in the sense that she held back or hid things any more than a girl hides things, but in the sense that she always had a firm handle on who she was, where she was going, and how she was getting there-- that control had started crumbling in the taxi. She felt like she'd left pieces of it all over the library, overhearing what she had. As long as they didn't tell anyone, it would be fine. It would all be fine.

But she didn't feel fine, and she didn't feel like it would be fine. It was only half the illness; she felt that familiar lightheadedness and chills that came and went but always came again. But it was the desperation and hurt that kept her wandering the streets; desperation for what, she didn't know. (What the hurt was about, she knew all too well; Grace's words kept ringing in her ears.)

She'd never noticed her face on every screen. It had been part of the background, the general wallpaper of the world. But now everything was green and orange, and she didn't resent Ranka her success except she did, and she hated herself for it.

"Please come to my revenge live! This time, it's definitely happening!"

Sheryl didn't even have the self-possession to pull herself up onto the curb; she sank down to her knees on the street, too feverish and out of it now to even know if she was sobbing, or if she was just hallucinating in the rain. ]

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[ SHERYL used BE DOMESTIC! It's super effective!

That is to say that she's easily bored, no matter her mental state; since she had been taken in by Grace, her days had always been jam-packed, just as she liked them. She'd spent the week learning chess (before losing half the pieces behind the couch), buying a few outfits and necessities to replace the ones she wasn't going back to the hotel for, and ignoring the television and magazines. She'd bought a new phone, but hadn't activated it yet; it still sat in its packaging on the kitchen counter. She still didn't much want to talk to anyone; that post had been an exception, but she hated keeping up what she didn't feel. She was calmer, having settled into a routine here, but she wasn't better.

The domestic part came in after about two days of takeout. It was Kamina-style takeout, which meant that it was greasy, spicy, and horribly unhealthy. So she'd started buying groceries and cooking herself. Contrary to spoiled-idol expectations, she could cook fine (it was laundry, dusting, sweeping, washing dishes, organizing, and vacuuming that she fell down on); she wasn't interested enough in it to try and make anything too involved, so nearly everything turned out well.

Tonight, Kamina's getting a pasta dish; she's used enough to his manner of eating that she's dished his serving into the biggest bowl in the apartment ]

[greasy, spicy, horribly unhealthy, and loaded with meat. kamina's main food groups all in one convenient take-out box. what was there not to love about it?

regardless, he been at sheryl's elbow the minute she stepped into the kitchen. other than opening his mouth in order to complete his self-given occupation of quality assurance whenever her back was turned, not a sound came out of him. there was an element of intense interest and calm in watching a person do something they were good at. he was almost sad when the meal was done.

almost.

for a second.

then he remembered that it was time to eat (and with the biggest bowl in the apartment too, hell yeah). all was well again.]

This is gonna be awesome. [he claims as he digs cups from the dishwasher.]

[ it's loaded with cheese and pepper, the vegetables in it don't make it too healthy for you, Kamina. She shakes her head as she dumps the dishes in the sink for him to take care of later ]

Don't you ever get tired at staring at me cooking? Are you looking for the magic instant when ingredients become food?

[still crouched at washer, he splutters.] No! 's just that I like watchin' stuff I don't get!

Be careful, or I'll make you help next time. [ she carries the bowls to the table; there's already a plate of garlic bread set out ]

[sheryl may notice that a piece of garlic bread is gone; it was tested and found worth right after coming out of the oven. yes, he'd almost burned the inside of his mouth, but it was all for the sake of work. kamina was dedicated to his job.

truly, he is to be admired.

and like anyone who loved their occupation, he seemed excited to learn more about it.] I wouldn't mind it if ya did. [cups and a pitcher of water are carefully balanced and placed on the table without spilling a drop. aw yeah, byakuya would be a little less of an asshole if he'd seen this.]

[ no he wouldn't, Kamina, admit it. She's been noticing him steal food this whole time, but figures that if he burns his tongue off, serves him right. She sits down, unfolding a napkin for her lap and shooting a meaningful look at Kamina to do the same. ]

Either way, as long as you do the dishes!

[one can dream. and how rude, okay, he could have been in serious pain from his own actions. gawd.

he stares back with an utterly clueless expression for a moment before letting out an audible, "ooohhhhhhhhhhhhh." manners in polite society, how do they work. the napkin is placed in his lap posthaste.]

Got it. 's only fair anyway.

[ she goes ahead and picks up her fork. Takes a bite of pasta. Chews. Swallows. Puts down her fork. ]

I'm quitting singing.

[the three shovelfuls of pasta kamina has going down his gullet are promptly choked on.]

I mean, I've done basically everything I wanted to do. It's time for something else, don't you think?

[please hold while he dislodges delicious pasta stuck in his windpipe with two cups of water and one bad coughing fit. he sounds liable to cough any minute when he says, strained:] Are you pullin' my leg?

[ she calmly picks up a piece of garlic bread and idly starts pulling pieces off, dropping them into her bowl of pasta ] I'm not. Maybe I'll learn to pilot for a change. Or maybe I'll move to some other world. There's a lot to do, isn't there?

Well, yeah, but... [kamina flounders.] You sing. That's what you were made for.

[ he's right, in a way he didn't intend. That was what Grace made her into. So she abruptly shoots up out of her chair, slamming her hands on the table ]

What does "made" have to do with anything? Aren't I Sheryl Nome!?

[he's up and out of his chair as well; he isn't afraid of speaking his mind, not to her.]

I'm sayin made just like I mean! Sheryl Nome is supposed to sing because the look she's got on-stage makes it clear!

"Supposed to!" "Made to!" Since when have I ever bought into that kind of-- into destiny, or anyone having to do anything!? Nothing's set in stone, Kamina! There's plenty of other things I could enjoy!

There's stuff you enjoy and stuff you love! All those other things you like doin', but singing...that's in here! [points to his chest] A part of you that ya can't shake! And you're gonna give that all away?

[ from her point of view, it wasn't giving, but being taken-- ripped from her without any choice on her part the moment she fainted on Gallia-4, she clenches her hands into fists on the table ]

Maybe I never loved it as much as all that! Maybe it was just something I ended up in! Consider that, will you?

[ 'better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'? no, she's not nearly there yet ]

Alright, so you just wound up doing it. Sometimes that kinda thing happens. But I can't believe you when you say you never felt like your soul was in those songs. If you're trying to tell yourself that, yer lying.

[ she clenches her fists tighter, staring down at the table. She notices the drops of water on the table before she notices that tears are starting to leak out; she angrily swipes an arm across her eyes, fist still clenched ]

[he's sure he's treading on thin ice. humans come with a sixth sense about that sort of thing. he'd already come out this far, hadn't he? might as well keep walking until he plunged into the freezing water below.] Ya change fate or destiny or whatever you wanna call it. It's all crap. But there's always something in a person's heart that makes them wanna live. The reason they get up in the morning. Why would you want to walk away from it?

You don't understand! How could you understand? How could anyone understand!? [ He's right, he's right about her reason for living, but when you've got a death sentence hanging over your head, it's hard to find it in you to pretend like you don't, pretend you want that reason to get up in the morning.

For a week she'd been fooling herself into thinking this was enough, that she could wake up and cook breakfast for her boyfriend and do the shopping and pick up chess and make lunch for her boyfriend and tease her friends on the community and watch television and think about learning how to use a washing machine and cook dinner for her boyfriend and have something warm to drink before bed and be happy, but day in and day out and day in and day out and my God had it really only been a week? How could people live like this, for years at a time?

But singing was still a hot coal that she didn't want to touch. It was Grace's betrayal, and Ranka-chan's rise to stardom, and a discount bin full of singles, and it seemed so much easier just to let it not matter, to make it not matter. ]

I dunno! [, he roars.

and then he sags as if this had taken everything out of him. waiting for death...that had never happened for him. why couldn't he help? and even if he could, how would even be able to reach out to her?

voice quiet, he repeats himself.]

I dunno, Sheryl.

[ she can't clench her fists any tighter; she pushes herself away from the table, headed towards the door ]

I'm going out.

[ and then, either because she knows what he'll say or she's being conscientious, or probably some mixture of both, she turns around and points her finger at him ]

But I'm coming back! I'm just going down to the harbor, all right? And I feel fine, I'm not going to faint! You can come after me if I'm not back in an hour!

[ and she turns on her heel again. ]

[ March 1 ]

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