piercethecharts | dix-huit. [ RL with Kamina ]

dix-huit. [ RL with Kamina ]

[ She was losing control. She could feel herself losing it, that was the worst part, to know what was happening. That tight control she always had over herself-- not in the sense that she held back or hid things any more than a girl hides things, but in the sense that she always had a firm handle on who she was, where she was going, and how she was getting there-- that control had started crumbling in the taxi. She felt like she'd left pieces of it all over the library, overhearing what she had. As long as they didn't tell anyone, it would be fine. It would all be fine.

But she didn't feel fine, and she didn't feel like it would be fine. It was only half the illness; she felt that familiar lightheadedness and chills that came and went but always came again. But it was the desperation and hurt that kept her wandering the streets; desperation for what, she didn't know. (What the hurt was about, she knew all too well; Grace's words kept ringing in her ears.)

She'd never noticed her face on every screen. It had been part of the background, the general wallpaper of the world. But now everything was green and orange, and she didn't resent Ranka her success except she did, and she hated herself for it.

"Please come to my revenge live! This time, it's definitely happening!"

Sheryl didn't even have the self-possession to pull herself up onto the curb; she sank down to her knees on the street, too feverish and out of it now to even know if she was sobbing, or if she was just hallucinating in the rain. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Be careful, or I'll make you help next time. [ she carries the bowls to the table; there's already a plate of garlic bread set out ]

[sheryl may notice that a piece of garlic bread is gone; it was tested and found worth right after coming out of the oven. yes, he'd almost burned the inside of his mouth, but it was all for the sake of work. kamina was dedicated to his job.

truly, he is to be admired.

and like anyone who loved their occupation, he seemed excited to learn more about it.] I wouldn't mind it if ya did. [cups and a pitcher of water are carefully balanced and placed on the table without spilling a drop. aw yeah, byakuya would be a little less of an asshole if he'd seen this.]

[ no he wouldn't, Kamina, admit it. She's been noticing him steal food this whole time, but figures that if he burns his tongue off, serves him right. She sits down, unfolding a napkin for her lap and shooting a meaningful look at Kamina to do the same. ]

Either way, as long as you do the dishes!

[one can dream. and how rude, okay, he could have been in serious pain from his own actions. gawd.

he stares back with an utterly clueless expression for a moment before letting out an audible, "ooohhhhhhhhhhhhh." manners in polite society, how do they work. the napkin is placed in his lap posthaste.]

Got it. 's only fair anyway.

[ she goes ahead and picks up her fork. Takes a bite of pasta. Chews. Swallows. Puts down her fork. ]

I'm quitting singing.

[the three shovelfuls of pasta kamina has going down his gullet are promptly choked on.]

I mean, I've done basically everything I wanted to do. It's time for something else, don't you think?

[please hold while he dislodges delicious pasta stuck in his windpipe with two cups of water and one bad coughing fit. he sounds liable to cough any minute when he says, strained:] Are you pullin' my leg?

[ she calmly picks up a piece of garlic bread and idly starts pulling pieces off, dropping them into her bowl of pasta ] I'm not. Maybe I'll learn to pilot for a change. Or maybe I'll move to some other world. There's a lot to do, isn't there?

Well, yeah, but... [kamina flounders.] You sing. That's what you were made for.

[ he's right, in a way he didn't intend. That was what Grace made her into. So she abruptly shoots up out of her chair, slamming her hands on the table ]

What does "made" have to do with anything? Aren't I Sheryl Nome!?

[he's up and out of his chair as well; he isn't afraid of speaking his mind, not to her.]

I'm sayin made just like I mean! Sheryl Nome is supposed to sing because the look she's got on-stage makes it clear!

"Supposed to!" "Made to!" Since when have I ever bought into that kind of-- into destiny, or anyone having to do anything!? Nothing's set in stone, Kamina! There's plenty of other things I could enjoy!

There's stuff you enjoy and stuff you love! All those other things you like doin', but singing...that's in here! [points to his chest] A part of you that ya can't shake! And you're gonna give that all away?

[ from her point of view, it wasn't giving, but being taken-- ripped from her without any choice on her part the moment she fainted on Gallia-4, she clenches her hands into fists on the table ]

Maybe I never loved it as much as all that! Maybe it was just something I ended up in! Consider that, will you?

[ 'better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'? no, she's not nearly there yet ]

Alright, so you just wound up doing it. Sometimes that kinda thing happens. But I can't believe you when you say you never felt like your soul was in those songs. If you're trying to tell yourself that, yer lying.

[ she clenches her fists tighter, staring down at the table. She notices the drops of water on the table before she notices that tears are starting to leak out; she angrily swipes an arm across her eyes, fist still clenched ]

[he's sure he's treading on thin ice. humans come with a sixth sense about that sort of thing. he'd already come out this far, hadn't he? might as well keep walking until he plunged into the freezing water below.] Ya change fate or destiny or whatever you wanna call it. It's all crap. But there's always something in a person's heart that makes them wanna live. The reason they get up in the morning. Why would you want to walk away from it?

You don't understand! How could you understand? How could anyone understand!? [ He's right, he's right about her reason for living, but when you've got a death sentence hanging over your head, it's hard to find it in you to pretend like you don't, pretend you want that reason to get up in the morning.

For a week she'd been fooling herself into thinking this was enough, that she could wake up and cook breakfast for her boyfriend and do the shopping and pick up chess and make lunch for her boyfriend and tease her friends on the community and watch television and think about learning how to use a washing machine and cook dinner for her boyfriend and have something warm to drink before bed and be happy, but day in and day out and day in and day out and my God had it really only been a week? How could people live like this, for years at a time?

But singing was still a hot coal that she didn't want to touch. It was Grace's betrayal, and Ranka-chan's rise to stardom, and a discount bin full of singles, and it seemed so much easier just to let it not matter, to make it not matter. ]

I dunno! [, he roars.

and then he sags as if this had taken everything out of him. waiting for death...that had never happened for him. why couldn't he help? and even if he could, how would even be able to reach out to her?

voice quiet, he repeats himself.]

I dunno, Sheryl.

[ she can't clench her fists any tighter; she pushes herself away from the table, headed towards the door ]

I'm going out.

[ and then, either because she knows what he'll say or she's being conscientious, or probably some mixture of both, she turns around and points her finger at him ]

But I'm coming back! I'm just going down to the harbor, all right? And I feel fine, I'm not going to faint! You can come after me if I'm not back in an hour!

[ and she turns on her heel again. ]

[gone.

for now.

the table stretches on in front of him, empty. kamina runs both hands through his hair and sits, groaning deep in his throat. he doesn't even touch the food. time to think, he can give her. peace, he can give her.

self-peace, he can't.

he'll wait this hour.]

[ she comes in looking comparatively much better than when she had left. There was sand all down the front of her legs, and a smudge on her face where she'd pushed her bangs out of the way, but she was somehow... more at peace than she'd been even before dinner ]

...It's not good for your ego, to be right, you know.

[he cocks his head to the side. what even--

nah. from the look on her face, whatever had happened it was good.]

But bein' right is awesome.

[ she grabs the grocery pad off the fridge and writes something down, before ripping the paper off the pad and shoving it in her pocket. she turns to face him, hands on hips ] Did you eat at all, when I was gone?

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