piercethecharts | dix-huit. [ RL with Kamina ]

dix-huit. [ RL with Kamina ]

[ She was losing control. She could feel herself losing it, that was the worst part, to know what was happening. That tight control she always had over herself-- not in the sense that she held back or hid things any more than a girl hides things, but in the sense that she always had a firm handle on who she was, where she was going, and how she was getting there-- that control had started crumbling in the taxi. She felt like she'd left pieces of it all over the library, overhearing what she had. As long as they didn't tell anyone, it would be fine. It would all be fine.

But she didn't feel fine, and she didn't feel like it would be fine. It was only half the illness; she felt that familiar lightheadedness and chills that came and went but always came again. But it was the desperation and hurt that kept her wandering the streets; desperation for what, she didn't know. (What the hurt was about, she knew all too well; Grace's words kept ringing in her ears.)

She'd never noticed her face on every screen. It had been part of the background, the general wallpaper of the world. But now everything was green and orange, and she didn't resent Ranka her success except she did, and she hated herself for it.

"Please come to my revenge live! This time, it's definitely happening!"

Sheryl didn't even have the self-possession to pull herself up onto the curb; she sank down to her knees on the street, too feverish and out of it now to even know if she was sobbing, or if she was just hallucinating in the rain. ]

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[ she clenches her fists tighter, staring down at the table. She notices the drops of water on the table before she notices that tears are starting to leak out; she angrily swipes an arm across her eyes, fist still clenched ]

[he's sure he's treading on thin ice. humans come with a sixth sense about that sort of thing. he'd already come out this far, hadn't he? might as well keep walking until he plunged into the freezing water below.] Ya change fate or destiny or whatever you wanna call it. It's all crap. But there's always something in a person's heart that makes them wanna live. The reason they get up in the morning. Why would you want to walk away from it?

You don't understand! How could you understand? How could anyone understand!? [ He's right, he's right about her reason for living, but when you've got a death sentence hanging over your head, it's hard to find it in you to pretend like you don't, pretend you want that reason to get up in the morning.

For a week she'd been fooling herself into thinking this was enough, that she could wake up and cook breakfast for her boyfriend and do the shopping and pick up chess and make lunch for her boyfriend and tease her friends on the community and watch television and think about learning how to use a washing machine and cook dinner for her boyfriend and have something warm to drink before bed and be happy, but day in and day out and day in and day out and my God had it really only been a week? How could people live like this, for years at a time?

But singing was still a hot coal that she didn't want to touch. It was Grace's betrayal, and Ranka-chan's rise to stardom, and a discount bin full of singles, and it seemed so much easier just to let it not matter, to make it not matter. ]

I dunno! [, he roars.

and then he sags as if this had taken everything out of him. waiting for death...that had never happened for him. why couldn't he help? and even if he could, how would even be able to reach out to her?

voice quiet, he repeats himself.]

I dunno, Sheryl.

[ she can't clench her fists any tighter; she pushes herself away from the table, headed towards the door ]

I'm going out.

[ and then, either because she knows what he'll say or she's being conscientious, or probably some mixture of both, she turns around and points her finger at him ]

But I'm coming back! I'm just going down to the harbor, all right? And I feel fine, I'm not going to faint! You can come after me if I'm not back in an hour!

[ and she turns on her heel again. ]

[gone.

for now.

the table stretches on in front of him, empty. kamina runs both hands through his hair and sits, groaning deep in his throat. he doesn't even touch the food. time to think, he can give her. peace, he can give her.

self-peace, he can't.

he'll wait this hour.]

[ she comes in looking comparatively much better than when she had left. There was sand all down the front of her legs, and a smudge on her face where she'd pushed her bangs out of the way, but she was somehow... more at peace than she'd been even before dinner ]

...It's not good for your ego, to be right, you know.

[he cocks his head to the side. what even--

nah. from the look on her face, whatever had happened it was good.]

But bein' right is awesome.

[ she grabs the grocery pad off the fridge and writes something down, before ripping the paper off the pad and shoving it in her pocket. she turns to face him, hands on hips ] Did you eat at all, when I was gone?

[he grins sheepishly in what is very clearly a 'no'.] Forgot all about it.

[ she shakes her head, and goes to pick up his bowl to put it in the microwave ] You really are something else.

In the good way, right?

[ she pauses for a moment, hands on the bowl, as if she's on the verge of saying something-- and then whisks it away with her usual airy demeanor ]

Oh, maybe on a good day!

Hey....! [not even remotely hurt by her statement, but it's the principle of the thing, donchaknow. she can joke with a little bit more of her heart in it. pokes at his ego can and will be taken in stride. he rises from his chair and joins her at the microwave, hugging her middle from behind.] Even on bad days!

[ she puts the bowl into the microwave, but pauses before pressing any buttons, resting her arms on his, lowering her head a bit ] ...Mm. Even on bad days.

[he places his nose in the crook of her shoulder.] Mmm.

Food can wait 'til tomorrow, ya know.

[ she's running her thumb idly over one of his hands. It's larger than hers, in a way she hadn't noticed before ]

Now there's something I never thought I'd hear you say.

[he mumbles after a beat of silence (one that he takes full advantage of by lightly kissing behind her ear),] Me neither.

[ she's feeling something she can't quite put just one word to; it's not that she's forgotten everything that's been depressing her, reducing her into a kind of half-asleep semi-Sheryl, it's just that she's not focused on it. Like she's standing in an island of safety, while the monsoon rages on.

She half-turns, leaning against his chest ]

Kamina, I...

Thank you.

[him with her like this. this is good. when she's 100%, it will be better, but for now.

this is good.

'you have a chance at real happiness,' is what lockon had said. that it would help more than hurt. she needed the help, he wanted to give it to her. he would give anything she needed right now if he could. well...time to bite the bullet and try, right?]

You don't have to thank me for doin' something I want to. And--uh. Well. Why wouldn't I?

[ she shakes her head ] I'm thanking you because you don't have to do anything that you've been doing, but you have anyway.

You're wrong. I do have to. A man doesn't leave the people he cares about out to dry. And definitely not he people he.... [blushing, why is there blushing, what happened to this being a totally cool moment EVASIVE ACTION] He. Um.

[ she tilts her head up to look at his face ] Hmm?

[SHERYL WHY CAN'T YOU READ HIS MIND; the blushing is getting worse and he's managed to stammer himself into flustered town: population, 1. what he wouldn't give for a translator right now.]

[ ...she's torn between fond amusement and disbelief at how short it took for him to turn into a stammering wreck ]

Honestly, Kamina, I love you, but sometimes you're just embarrassing.

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