piercethecharts | dix-huit. [ RL with Kamina ]

dix-huit. [ RL with Kamina ]

[ She was losing control. She could feel herself losing it, that was the worst part, to know what was happening. That tight control she always had over herself-- not in the sense that she held back or hid things any more than a girl hides things, but in the sense that she always had a firm handle on who she was, where she was going, and how she was getting there-- that control had started crumbling in the taxi. She felt like she'd left pieces of it all over the library, overhearing what she had. As long as they didn't tell anyone, it would be fine. It would all be fine.

But she didn't feel fine, and she didn't feel like it would be fine. It was only half the illness; she felt that familiar lightheadedness and chills that came and went but always came again. But it was the desperation and hurt that kept her wandering the streets; desperation for what, she didn't know. (What the hurt was about, she knew all too well; Grace's words kept ringing in her ears.)

She'd never noticed her face on every screen. It had been part of the background, the general wallpaper of the world. But now everything was green and orange, and she didn't resent Ranka her success except she did, and she hated herself for it.

"Please come to my revenge live! This time, it's definitely happening!"

Sheryl didn't even have the self-possession to pull herself up onto the curb; she sank down to her knees on the street, too feverish and out of it now to even know if she was sobbing, or if she was just hallucinating in the rain. ]

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[ she pauses. looks down. gives no fucks. ]

Yes!

[ She lets the door slam shut behind her.

Twenty minutes later, she's back. She had interrupted the landlord's dinner, dragged him into his office, and through a combination of steamroller like certainty, a credit card with no limits, and promising to sign a poster for his young daughter, transferred the apartment from Grace's name and account to hers.

She was getting dizzy again by the end of it; normally she had certainty and poise to spare, but she had already been running on empty by the time Kamina had found her. She reentered the apartment more quietly than she had left, tossing the new lease down on the end table and trying to steady herself on the wall without looking like she was doing so. ]

There, that's done!

[webster defines "awesome" as such:

1 : expressive of awe
2 : a. inspiring awe
b. terrific, extraordinary.

kamina thinks that sheryl is awesome in the 1 and 2a sense of the word. hadn't she been asleep five minutes ago? where did she get the energy, the sun? (did that make her superwoman? this thought was awesome [2b. definition].) it amazed him how she could jump at anything with everything she had, even at the expense of herself. it impressed him, as well. now that was a girl.

he stands up from the couch with worry in his eyes, taking a few steps toward her.] Oi, oi, take it easy, alright?

[ the thing about Sheryl is that she's not very good at moping. Usually this would be a good trait, and most of the time, it was; but really, what it meant was that at a time like this, when the ground had been ripped out from under her, she was somewhat allergic to stopping and processing what had happened. Now that the immediate wailing and gnashing of teeth was over with, she had no idea how to think or feel about anything, or even more, how to show those feelings, if at all. So she keeps acting like she always has, except with something fragile underneath; the words are the same, but the motivation has completely changed. She isn't running away from thinking; she's completely stalled out on it.

She grabs one hand with the other to try and stop herself trembling. ] I'm fine, Kamina.

You're shakin', Sheryl.

[kamina keeps his distance. unspoken permission had to pass through them first, something that said 'alright, you can come in if you want, but i can't take responsibility for anything crappy that happens to you.' the lack of it wouldn't stop him from pointing out the elephant in the room however. he had too little tact not to.]

I am not. [ she'll be fine if she just keeps moving, won't she? Then no one will be able to tell. She pushes herself off the wall, striding over to the kitchen; filling herself a glass of water, she downs it in three gulps before putting the mug down on the counter with a bit more force than necessary ]

[he's on the verge of contradicting her, but he blinks.

once.

then he can feel it. see it.

sheryl nome is dying. sooner rather later. grace hadn't been lying, of course she wouldn't not about something like this but it seemed remote before. just hearsay. no concrete proof. this he couldn't brush away. kamina sinks onto the arm rest of the sofa and stares at nothing in particular. his hands twitch, curl into fists, unclench, begin the whole process again. something. there had to be. always was. who the hell did they think he was. anything.

nothing.]

[ she turns around, prepared to make some sort of lighthearted comment about whatever came to mind first-- but stops before she starts, watching his hands. This wasn't like him, even if he was worried ]

Kamina?

[he glances up at the call of his name. it's painful. every look says her days are numbered. there was no way to wind that clock back. the one thing he couldn't do.

kamina doesn't say anything. just stares and keeps burning a hole in his heart.]

[ she comes around him to sit on the couch, and after a moment, leans against his back as he sits on the armrest ]

...I might be a little bit shaky. But I don't have a fever and I'm not at all confused, so it's really nothing to be worrying about.

[her familiar weight brings him out of his shock a little. still warm and present. for the moment.

he'd never been the hiding kind of man. only cowards hid. he was no coward. that doesn't keep his voice from sounding flat and dead.]

I know already.

[ ...she sits up ]

Know what?

[ she already knows. there's no point in playing dumb. but she's going to anyway ]

[he looks at her with tired and unreadable eyes that are so unlike him.]

C'mon now.

[ she pulls her knees up to her chest; wrapping her arms around them, she bites down on her lower lip to control herself before speaking in a voice that betrays her by shaking even though she speaks with conviction ]

Don't, Kamina. Don't-- I didn't want you to know!

Sorta hard to hide this kinda stuff from a Shinigami. [she can't see his wry smile, but she'll be able to feel his chin resting on the top of her head.] 'sides, 'm too cool for you keep stuff from me for long anyway.

[ she doesn't have it in her to tease him back. She wants to lean into him, and she wants to be alone, but mostly she just wants all this not to be happening-- she stands up abruptly, but only takes one or two steps away from the couch. Her shoulders start to shake as she wraps her arms around herself; she doesn't say anything, because if she opens her mouth she doesn't think she'll be able to hold the tears back ]

[he lets her get up, try to compose herself. quietly. firmly. he says what's on his mind despite its short length.]

If ya wanna leave, that's okay. And if you wanna stay, that's okay too. You've gotta be thinking of a lot right now and I can't say I know what it's like. But whatever you wanna do, remember 'm right here with you, Sheryl.

[ she shakes her head; not in negation of what he said, but out of some sort of frustrated helplessness ]

Leave? I don't-- I don't have anywhere to go! And I can't ask-- I can't ask to-- [ now that she's started speaking, it's just as she feared; her words start to catch and she trips over them, not able to finish whatever thoughts were coming next. She brings her hands up to cover her face, trying and failing to hold back sobs ]

[...you know what, screw the waiting and watching.

kamina gets right up, turns her around by the shoulder, and hugs her tight. maybe it was the wrong thing to do, but he'd find out, wouldn't he?]

[ Don't worry, Kamina, you got this one right. It's what she wanted but could never, ever ask for; sometimes pride ends up hurting more than it helps. And after Grace, she couldn't reach out, she couldn't, even if she logically knew there wouldn't be anything to worry about--

She twists her hands in the fabric of his shirt, sobbing onto his chest, shoulders shaking. She thought she'd cried herself out in the rain, but it seems that was just a warm-up ]

[score one for the big lug with no sensitivity training!

considering the day she's had and all the unwanted revelations that have been brought to light, kamina doesn't blame her for the crying. like he said before, he's right there with her so he goes nowhere, rubbing her back in what he hopes is a comforting type of gesture. (when simon felt bad, he just punched him in the face therefore he certainly wasn't an expert at any other kind of comforting sign.) no matter how long it took. he would stay there for her.]

[ by the time she's cried herself out, she feels sick and weak again; whether it's something physical or mental, she's not sure. Either way, she tugs on his shirt to get his attention ]

...I need to sit down. Get me some water?

[he nods once and lets go to pad into the kitchen and fill up the cup she used before water. complete with ice. and a bendy straw. kamina brings it back and holds it in front of him like a little kid offering his first-grade girlfriend a valentine.]

[ bendy straw, huh? you sure do know how to treat a girl, Kamina. She doesn't even raise an eyebrow at it, but she does pat the couch next to her, inviting him to sit ]

[he is nothing but a classy gentleman; good day, madam. and sit he does, wrapping an arm around her waist.] You feel a little better?

[ she doesn't respond directly, but leans her head onto his shoulder ]

I have to stay now, you know. You won't be able to find me, otherwise. I threw my phone under a truck.

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